[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Saturday, January 19th, 2008|
|Spring/Summer 08 essentials
martin margiela paper like texture white tee
martin margiela silver fish hook bracelet/anchor necklace
D&G brown/tan gladiator scandals
helmut lang collection
Raf simons collection
lanvin bow tie
the list goes on......................................
..... Current Mood: pessimistic
|Sunday, March 26th, 2006|
| Words of wisdom from her:
"If you want to know someone, don't read their journals. Read their fiction."
Current Mood: crappy
|Tuesday, January 10th, 2006|
|Because of you???
I will not make/ the same mistakes you did/ i will not let myself/ cause my heart so much misery/ i will not break/ the way you did, you fell so hard/ i've learned the hard way/ never let it get that far/ because of you/ i never stray too far from the sideway/ because of you/ i learned to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt/ because of you/ i find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me/ because of you i am afraid/ i lose my way/ and it's not too long before you point it out/ i cannot cry/ because i know that's weakness in your eyes/ i'm force to fake/ a smile, a laugh, everyday of my life/ my heart can't possibly break/ when it wasn't even whole to start with/ i watch you die/ i heard you cry every night in your sleep/ i was so young/ you should have know better than to lean on me/ you never thought of anyone else/ you just saw your pain/ and now i cry in the middle of the night/ for the same damn thing/ because of you/ because of you/
because of you/ i try my hardest just to forget everything/ because of you/ i don't know how to let anyone else in/ because of you/ im ashamed of my life because it's empty/ because of you/ i am afraid/ because of you
The lyrics are so raw that you can feel actually what the writer is trying to bring across to you, the best song i have heard from kelly clarkson so far..................... Current Mood: crappy
|Saturday, December 31st, 2005|
|THe SUmUp oF 20o5 and ReSoLuTiOn
1. what did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? running away from home, was an uncle 1st time in my life, got sponsered for my entire Hk trip in july, sleeping with somone straight,
4. did anyone close to you die? they're all dead inside anyway. but in reality robert palmer.
6. what would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? entire collection of kris van ache
9. what was your biggest failure? wow. realising my mistakes but continue to engrossing in them. leaving home, and coming back within a fucking day. an on-off relation with the current guy i am seeing.
11. what was the best thing you bought? white raf simon high cut leather shoe & margiela line 6 raincoat.
15. what did you get really, really, really excited about? superficial crap. kim jones. chicks on speed. vivienne westwood - again. balenciaga. falling in love and getting bruised. but maybe it doesn't matter. i got excited about everything.
17. compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? i don't know. older.
ii. thinner or fatter? fucking chicken-skeleton-in-a-condom bitches.
iii. richer or poorer? poor. but well-heeled.
19. what do you wish you'd done less of? hatin'. time-wastin'.
22. did you fall in love in 2005? …maybe not.
25. do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? hah. yes.
27. what was your greatest musical discovery? goldfrapp
29. what did you want and not get? balenciaga motorcross bag as a matter of fact it's the birkin im lusting over
33. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? fascistically-tailored power-dressage. skinny jeans-ballet flats. puff-up/ruffed top. high fashion meets street cred, accessories and more accessories.
34. what kept you sane? people i didn't realise i could count on, and won't easily forget.
cynicism. and alcohol.ciggies
39. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: no matter what you do or where you are family is all that matters....
40. quote a song lyric that sums up your year: Im beautiful no matter what they say words can't bring me down.......
. i refuse to debase myself in public. i refuse to enter another pube.
. i will spend for no apparent reason. i am sick of reasons.
. i just want to live like ivana.
. i will buy something of exotic leather (croco skin?)
. i will read something other than american psycho.
. drop the debt.
. and a kilo. bone and tone tiago.
. update the LJ.
. try dating again. maybe.
. get to paris before august.
i’m not saying i’ll stick to any of these. i’m not saying i’ll try. i’m perfect as i am.
in terms of wardrobe, i will be eating air and wearing a size four. and layered tanks.
Current Mood: flirty
|Saturday, December 24th, 2005|
|Merry Christmas Post
Cuz everything meant to be broken, i just want you to know WHO I AM.................i just want you to know who i am.....
The same bunch of people, same time of the year again, but with heavy heart do each of us carry to face to inpending future. Everyones looks about the same(except me lah, i aneroxic), but i know we are being battered by the reality of society, tired, hoping to reach out for greener pasture elsewhere. I now finally realise why alvin wants to leave singapore, when one feels that there is nothing left to hope for, everyday is just like a momentum repeating itself. I felt like a caged bird at times, trying so hard to break free yet still enclosed no matter how hard i try. Just one wrong pull of thread, the whole dress really does fall apart, aptly describing my work, no matter how hard i work for the past year, with just one wrong mistake, all good has been erased just like that, i felt really disappointed and hurt but yet life still goes on everyday. I want to do something for myself for a change, maybe it's time to venture into unchartered territories, do something risky cuz we are only young once, maybe it's time now................. Current Mood: hopeful
|Saturday, August 6th, 2005|
In Heaven one day and hell the other........Is it all worth it? Current Mood: crushed
|Sunday, July 31st, 2005|
|He loves me? He loves me not?
D has being smsing me rather frequently these few days, occasionally dropping sweet notes like how he miss my presence and things like that. Not that i am cold-hearted or cynical, it's just that part of me died long ago when my ex left me for studies when i first came out. Further more he is straight and the logical side of me ruled out any possibility of any relationship development with D. I still feel bad spending so much of his money during the recent Hong Kong trip,( i did offer to pay him back which he refused). It seriously make me feel cheap and although the amount i spend was non-substantial(compare to a hermes birkin bag), i now understood how julia roberts might have felt in pretty woman. From a single gay man point of view, any amount of money involved whether in a relationship or not always puts you in an unfavourable position, not only am i obligated to D now, it makes me do rather senseless things like smsing him back mushy stuffs which i never will do. Can true love really exist between a straight and a gay man? Alvin says i am always putting up a strong front, resisting any possible sparks or chemistry that might happen between me and his friends. Have i been holding on to my past such that i have been shutting out those around me? D is currently in Shanghai on a personal trip to visit his sister who is residing there. I am treating this as a cooling off period for the both of us, and see how things progress after his return on the 8 of August. Current Mood: confused
|Saturday, February 12th, 2005|
Have not been meeting with anyone lately, have not been shopping lately, even my favourite fashion updates from magazines was put on a hiatus. Perharps i am in a mid-life crisis, stuck at a cross-road unable to make a decision on how i want my life to advance or which route to take. When you approached your late twenties, family pressures, work commitment, self-inflicted stress becomes paramount. It's so scary that you are crossing the thirties boundary soon and yet you have achieved nothing. Your peers have advanced in their careers, established their families and more or less with kids. I on the contrary,have yet to achieve significant breakthrough in my career, will never get married and have kids. I was considered as what society deem unfit.
I always need time to be alone and reflect upon what is going through in my life. I find solitary at times peaceful and serene. Facing my laptop into the wee hours of morning blasting my music and sipping my coffee, occasionally staring out of my window looking at the vast starless sky. Letting random thoughts run wild inside my brain, my past, my present all twingled together. Perharps somewhat when the future looks bleak, we know deep down inside our heart a ray of hope is at the end of the tunnel..................................
................. Current Mood: moody
|Thursday, January 13th, 2005|
|IRC hooking up
Was on the IRC yesterday, chatting when i come across this guy (eastons). Chatted for a while and decided to exchange pics with him. There was a silence after my pic was send to him and i thought that he wasn't interested. Things got interesting when he said he knew me. Maybe an ex-fuck or someone whom i dated long ago. "We worked in the same place" he said. By now i got real scared, i mean i did not know who he was and he knew me already and by saying that we are colleagues means he sees me at work everyday and yet i did not know he was aj. He gave me several hints and i sorted of guessed who he was. We finally decided to reveal to each other on msn and he was the "guy" from this other module but i always see him in the AE room during passdown. A decent looking guy that wear specs, kinda of cute in his own way. A few more flirtatious sms in the msn and we decided to exchange numbers. Called him on the mobile and chatted for a while. Let see how things goes for this one............. Current Mood: amused
|Monday, January 3rd, 2005|
Back to work after a long christmas and new year break, the feeling is somewhat different from previous years. Perharps reality really bites, this year has been rather emotional and turbulence for me. Let hope that the new year breathes new hopes and challenges ahead. Been told that the human resource is revising their leave policies and we would have to clear our remaining leaves from last year and the 1st half of our new year's leave by march. Hurray!!!!!!!!!! Meaning i will have more than 10 days of leaves to clear by march, meaning i can get to visit eric in sydney soon again. Current Mood: bouncy
|Thursday, October 28th, 2004|
|Everton Park - Spottiwoode
The journey back was more nostalgic than i could have ever imagined. The rustic 80's lift, the familiar indian guard at the guard house, the falling leaves along the road makes the whole journey like a korean autumn drama scene. The whole place was so distant yet so familiar, nothing has changed, the mattress on the cemented floor, dog's poo on the newpaper covered floor, the curtains we picked out together hang lifelessly over the partitioned wooden frame. The feeling was like when i first came back home after my 2 weeks confinement after BMT.
The dogs cuddled up to me, i felt their faces with my bare hands, somehow or rather i could feel him as well. I hold lou and rio up and kiss them after caressing their face, something i would never do before as i feel that dogs are dirty. I lingered around the house for a while, going through his clothing and smelling them, i wanted to feel his scent for the last time. I stocked up his refrigerator with food and fruits and rearranged the cutleries. The dogs were surprisingly tame today, just staring blankly at me while i did my chores. " Be good lou-jiang, rio-jiang", i muttered the last words to them before kissing them on their forehead. I could almost felt their eyes saying, "Don't go!", as i closed the door.
I lightened up a marlboro as i walked through everton park for the very last time, the emotional buildup as too over-powering. I finally broke down at the back alley we used to take walking home after dinner..................................
................ Current Mood: restless
|Sunday, October 24th, 2004|
|Me, myself and I
it's eleven fifty-six pm. the books and clothes are sprawled all over my bed. the light is seeping through the doorway gap, i see stars in the sky. the neighbour's dog just barked. my hair's still wet from the shower and i'll have a coffee please, white one sugar. a window seat and some rain would be nice. yes i am not happy but i am only human. with flaws but not void of emotions, desires and the occasional need for attention. like a restless child i do not want anymore plastic toys or cheap thrills. i do not want anything liquid or gaseous now. i am sitting down, head in my hands, legs numb. i used to sleep soundly at night but now i wake up frequently and i scratch my butt. how macho of me. but the heart is aching and the mind is weak. when i'm tired i look for a pair of shoulders or strong hands. when i'm strong i prey. "my aching heart will bleed for you to see. no more i love yous, the language is leaving me. no more i love yous, changes are shifting outside the world." i worship annie lennox, so many monsters. why doesn't my boss say that i have done a good job, and why doesn't people say i love you when they mean it. and why do they say it when they don't? i hate myself for smelling like a greasy oven, but i even hate people for not closing the kitchen door when they cook. i look into the mirror and i have aged. i am not happy so i will move. i have been accused of being moody and you know what? i do not deny that. it's all written here anyway. what happens if i leave and chase the bright city lights and i do not like it. what happens if i do not want to go home. i do not have anymore cards, this is a bad hand.
it's been a while and i am still looking for you. Current Mood: tired
|Saturday, October 23rd, 2004|
|A New beginning......end of another era
New hair, new outfit, new objectives in life and new fresh start ahead. Today marks the day of a new beginning for me, something like a rebirth, a bestowed second chance(make that a third one come to think of it). I have put the past behind me to move on to the new ones in future, although without my past i would never become what i am today. I have taken a que from 2046, i have revealed my past and secrets into a box and buried it deep down my heart where no one will ever see them any.
It's hard to let go of the past but if one never let go we will never proceed ahead. Many a times we have veer off course from the journey we called life, we could only buckle up and continue moving when we fall. Life is hard, we are constantly judged by society, pressures from peers and family obligations. There are also studies pressures, relationships problems and the lists goes on....What we can do is to constantly reflected upon ourselves from the past mistakes we made. Life goes on with or without us......................................
................................ Current Mood: contemplative
|Sunday, October 17th, 2004|
2046, five years in the making, overhyped, as usual the movie reeks heavily on WKW signature touches here and there. The hair combing scene by tony, faye elfish uttering of japanese in her manolo, Gong li porcelain white complexion with deep-red lipstick and her rochas inspired look, carina and her mamasan couture and finally Takuya and his helmut lang lookalike cut-out singlet ruffled hair look. The movie centered around the 60-70s era of old shanghai and singapore. The futuristic undertone seems a tad bland, completely unnecessary but the costume designs were impressive. ZZY looks like she is trying so hard to outshine everyone else in the show makes everyone else in the show even more outstanding. Tony did not delivered a powerful performance this time i feel. He merely carried on his style from mood of love and it did not help that his co-star is mostly ZZY.
Overall the cinematography is outstanding, the contrasting scenes of the future and the past overlaid one another making a rather interesting imbalance. Not sure what WKW is trying to bring across but like i say any movie with faye in it will make my day. Her robotic character required her to show no emotions and yet have emotions. Not easy but i feel she done it with commendable skills. Her san-makeup dowdy hair 70s shanghai girl role did not go well with me. Her minus makeup appearance makes her look old and haggard. I will be seeing it again to give it a second chance maybe as WKW movie always required a repeated viewing to understand the essences..........
Despondent, depressed, anal and edgy few tell tale signs of post breakup syndrome i am having lately. Went zouk on friday, thinking a trip to unleash the clubbing traits in me might help but instead my mood hit rock bottom. Can't stop thinking, what went wrong, am i the one at fault or should i called? So many questions, so many mistakes, so many choices and so many detours.
When a person breakup, certain timing, places and even days are off limits, the whole city becomes loaded with emotional land-mines waiting to explode. I thought i would learn from my mistakes but apparently i do not. After yet another failed relationship where all i have is more heartache and woes, it really struck me, am i the relationship kind of person? Why do i keep picking the wrong partner? Am i a masscarcist that keep going after things that i know that would hurt me? They say that pain is growth and a relationship without pain is a relationship not worth having. But how exactly does this works? We want pleasure and pain but should we place a boundary between them to find a balance? When it comes to the affairs of the heart, do pain really equal growth?
I tried tiring myself out with endless distraction like going through old fashion magazines and matching my old outfits with new ones and accessorizing them. The more i indulge myself, the sadder i come. I am at this point in my life that even the sight of balenciaga latest Spring-summer fabulous collection couldn't lift me up. It's a matter of time mariah carey "breakdown" would befalls on me. I really need to snap out of this doldrum Current Mood: depressed
|Friday, October 15th, 2004|
"When dawn break, am i still your woman" sings Naying. The morning of oct 15 2004 just barely 2 months into the relationship, we have already walk till the end of the tunnel together, we have call it quits. No one saw it coming, just like that we broke up through sms on 14 oct, with a simple," let call it off the whole thing." When do relationships become so complicated that one minute you are happily attached and the next minute you are single again. I felt like a hundred years old, going through numerous battle, with wounds all over all body.
With cheleong now out of my life, i couldn't help but wonder, does karma really exist? I broke up with wei the same way cheleong broke up with me. One vicious cycle returns another? I have endure 3 breakups in this year alone, hell the year ain't even officially over yet. My relationships end faster than a season of collection with cruise line excluded. 28 years living in singapore, dated countless men, 4 relationships, 3 real ones all ending in breakup.
We had some really happy times together, it's too bad he had to go. At times like this, i sometime rather we had never met. I know he will never get to see this journal and i know that in no time he will find someone new again. It really sad to know i am not the only one going through this kind of relationship pattern.
Finally i realise no matter how i disguise myself with armour and spike, i realize i am human after all because i couldn't stop crying on the morning of 15 oct.....In the daylight of the morning, everything is so raw exposed.............................
|Saturday, October 9th, 2004|
Friday night, 2000 hours as i make my way to kim seng road to attend zouk cd launch/blackjack party decked out in my balenciaga best. Cheleong was suppose to join me but backed out at the very last minute citing generation gap and fatigue as excuses. Perharps fated does not allow me to attend this party, as the queue for the invite was so long that people might have mistaken it's a queue for free hello kitties again. I tried calling alvin but there was no response. 10 miss calls and several marlboro lights later, i decided to drag my tired yet fabulous ass home. I felt extremely lonely and vulnerable at that moment with no companion in sight. What the use of having a relationship when the other half can't be there for you.....perharps i am being atad too dramatic or perhaps i am over-reacted......
A friend once told me that the key to a successful relationship is to stop expecting what you expect. When it comes to modern day romance is it time to stop expecting a great relationship and settle for a fine one instead? We always used fairy tale romances to live up to our fantasy and hope. But what happens if our prince charming never appear? Will snow white continue sleeping in the glass coffin forever? Or would she spit out the apple herself and got herself a job, health care premium and a baby from the local sperm bank?
After a series of failed relationships where all i have is more heartache and self-woe, am i still an optimism when it comes to love? Is cynicism something we have to learn to apply like a daily moisturizer in order to protect ourselves from being hurted? The world has become too jaded for me to really believe there is someone out there with the key to unlock my heart and all i have to do is to find him. Should we still believe in love despite being told otherwise?
|Friday, October 8th, 2004|
|Sex, Lies and Ecstasty
Recently a good friend of mine asked me to be her soon to be husband groom of honour(or should i say maid of honour for my case) for her impending wedding. I contemplated, because to me a wedding is all about being pure, pristine and holy. I was in other words too jaded to be a maid of honour, in fact a maid of dis-honour for my case.
I seems to have developed the modern day case of Dr Jekyll and Mr hyde syndrome. I have split personality and behaviour, from a mild-mannered engineer in the day to a drug consuming sex-obsessed fiend in the night. I fear the day when the alter-ego sided of me totally consumed my good side, distinguishing every ray of hope i have. But the lure of the combination of sex and drugs at times is too intoxicating and tempting to resist. For that moment in time, troubles, worries and heartache is temporarily forgotten and we just basked in the after glow of lust/music/drugs.
It's known fact that if a man is not bad then the woman will not love. So do we have to engaged in promiscuous relationships with others to maintain a cordial one with the present one? Are gay men victims of condition responses doomed to repeat the same unconscious relationship pattern? Its always a fine line between what is known to be right or wrong. So where exactly should we place the so called boundaries between them? Three marlboros and a landslides of latte later, i still have not found the answer........................to be continued
|Tuesday, October 5th, 2004|
|BRADSHAW & MITTON
Two friends, two different cities, 7000miles apart. The distance apart seems to make them closer to each other. Two very different lives, two cosmopolitan trying their best to live up to the expectation of what the society deems fit for them. They communicate constantly through wonders of modern science though physical apart but mentally they seems to be around for each other all the time. Does absence really make one closer to another?
John bradshaw (used to be single but currently attached) working cosmo who choose prada over pragmatism anytime. Cynical, self-absorbed and fiercely independent, john enclosed himself in his own little universe of balenciaga and faye wong.
Eric mitton (used to be attached but currently keeping his options open) studying cosmo who worship hedi slimane (tilted head look). Judgemental, pessimistic and very critical about people, eric judge people like how fashion editor judge which season of collection on runway.
Our lives flourished at night over at our little laptop which bonded us together through a little software program called the MSN, people are judged, information exchanged, usual life update to each other, it's almost like they are always by each other side.......
After all season change, people come and go but is always comforting to know that there is always someone out there for you who loves you no matter what. I found one and he is just a plane ride away........
|Sunday, October 3rd, 2004|
|THE LONG AWAIT DEBUT
they say the beginning is always the most prominent, promising and explosive. For me i say for every beginning there is an ending somewhere else. So much has happened for the past year that i reckon i better put them down in words before the memories got faded like the wind. Memories, some good, some bad, others bittersweet while the recent ones serves as a painful reminder of the mistakes i made. As one door closes another automatically opens itself to you although at times we might be too jaded to realise that..... Enough said, without much further adue,no fireworks, no fanfare, just a simple open introduction, i present to you," The opening of my very own livejournal"...............